As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
