I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
