Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
