Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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