I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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