You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
