My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
