He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
