i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
