my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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