Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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