I just cut my nipple shaving
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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