Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
