where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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