Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
