I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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