He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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