I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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