That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
