I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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