I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
