I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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