Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
