god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
