She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
