My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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