babies were throwing up all over the place
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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