i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
