Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
