She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
