i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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