And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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