Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
