sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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