Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
