please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
