Tell her she can't have a vagina
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
