3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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