Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
