First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
