I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
