Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
