Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
