i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
