i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
