He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
