his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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