I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
