Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You pole danced in your parka.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
