Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Will exercising make me less horny?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
